In my last blog post, I talked about how the way I chose to a creative experiment brought up an unconscious issue that needed healing. The daily Silent Minute for peace that I ran in December set off some powerful energies and intentions for deeper peace in my own life and in what I can share about peace in my book.
The way I did the Silent Minute – with a strong desire to give others absolute freedom in how they did the Silent Minute was an overcompensation for an utter hatred I had of control. Especially the control I’ve experience through navigating the tricky world of building a soul-led business. There are so many experts who make out that they know what you need and when your soul’s voice is so quiet and subtle, the expert voices can drown out your own inner soul voice.
But, if you have a hatred of anything – whether that’s control or any kind of behaviour, the chances are very high that there is something going on in your own psyche that needs healing! Hatred is a sure sign of a part of yourself that’s been lost and abandoned somewhere along the way. It doesn’t mean that you’re an awful person for having some kind of connection to what you hate, but it does mean that you’re not being fully yourself while you don’t face your own shadow.
The explorations in this blog are about facing my own shadow and finding the missing and lost pieces of me that were at the root of this utter disgust and hatred of control. And in that willingness to go there, I found a beautiful piece of my inner child and deepened a relationship with a mentor.
Healing Into Peace
Right after the Silent Minute project finished, an old and controlling relationship pattern reared its ugly head. Very unpeaceful! Personal stuff blow up on Christmas Day – seemingly out of nowhere and over seemingly minor things. I’d experienced this pattern before – I’d find myself shamed, criticised and belittled, and also really confused at what was happening. It seemed like I was powerless to do anything about it. But this time, I eventually found the parts of my mind that was keeping that belittling pattern in place. The first part was this lost, abandoned, shunned and shamed little child being inside. It was a part of my inner child that felt powerless against the huge and powerful adults around who expressed their anger at her freely when she wasn’t allowed to express hers. A familiar pattern for so many children and their emotionally unaware parents.
It took some time to find this little part of me. I did as much as I could on my own to find her but I was feeling her old sense of being lonely and alone, so I needed to break the pattern and ask for help. I called my mentor – my hypnotherapy teacher – who gave this lost child the kind care and validation she needed to feel loved and seen. Once the vulnerability was held safe. I could reconnect with the trace of this little being that was held in my body. She was tightly constrained and I could feel my belly and hip area tensing up with her presence. This abandoned, lost and angry little piece of me could finally be welcomed home and feel loved again. She was the one trying to be seen in those angry, belittling exchanges that the adult me kept falling into. She was constantly on edge expecting people to walk all over her needs and bully her. That was her experience of relationships. That was part of the relationship blueprint that my mind picked up and expected.
Welcoming Back The Abandoned Child
To fully welcome her back, I had to rewrite the relationship pattern. I had a big adult-y to do list and I felt her nagging me inside. So I sat down and set my meditation timer for 20 minutes to hold space for her and just be with her before I got on with my to do list. When the ending bell went, she still hadn’t integrated and part of my mind was going into alert mode saying “you’ve got so much to do – you need to get on with it now!”. But I knew I had to show this lost little girl that she mattered and that there was a bigger, wiser, stronger and kind being who cared about her. I mentally spoke to the child part and told her that she was far more important than the to-do list and that I would stay with her as long as she needed me too.
By slowing down and being really present with her, her tension started to shift. All the anger she had wanted to express came flooding out of her and formed a safe bubble of an energetic boundary around her. At last she was safe, seen and heard and she could relax. She could stop being a fragmented piece of my mind stuck in the past and desperate to get attention. Instead she could reconnect with the whole of me and find her place in the here and now.
And bring a whole load of peace to my psyche.
The Next Part Of The Journey
So what started off as a creative experiment in peace turned into a deep healing for me. A hidden powerless child part was keeping me in victim mode in relationships – the complete opposite of peace. So I had to find her eventually.
For sure, I felt really different after healing this little child part – more confident and present in the now. I kinda knew that there was no way I could spend 24 days setting peaceful intentions and not stir up something in my psyche! And that was only the start. The healing journey would continue with insights on compassionate, peaceful leadership and finding another 2 parts of my mind that were locked into an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
For now, I’d like to invite you to connect with the story I’ve told here. Can you relate to being shouted at as a child and expecting relationships to be unbalanced? What ways have you brought more of a balance of power to your relationships? I’d love to hear your insights and reflections. Email me at email@example.com or FB message me at Intuitive Jacqui
Love Jacqui xxx