Happy, smiling, long-term relationship with a conscious man – that’s what you’ll see on my social media profiles.
But let me tell you the truth – relationships have never been easy for me. Since I was a teenager with low self-esteem and low-level anxiety, I struggled with relationships. I’d either pine after totally unavailable men, feel overwhelmed and want to run away or I’d push away good men. I had no problems making friends wherever I went (and I did travel a lot!). Of course I didn’t know that my biggest problem was that I’m clairsentient, which means I’m really sensitive to what’s going in other people and feel their feelings as my own. Without understanding that, I was doomed to struggle in close relationships!
And then in my mid-20s I thought I’d found the one. The special one who would be forever. But I’d manage to find yet another unavailable one and I got sucked into mind games. As the stress mounted up from bereavement, from an uncertain future and from the utter confusion of how I was being treated, the extreme stress took its toll and my mind broke along with my heart. “Why would someone who loves me treat me like this?” “Why won’t he make time to see me?” All these impossible-to-answer questions went through my mind and I couldn’t answer any of them.
The healing journey took years because I tried to do most of it alone and had no idea that anyone could help me or understand me. I worried that a psychologist would just write me off as crazy. I *knew* deep down that the breakdown was a breakthrough to something bigger. It was a spiritual awakening and I didn’t want a psychologist or therapist dismissing the spirituality of it – I needed that meaning to get me through it. I needed to believe it was something more.
For years after I kept men at even greater arm’s length and focused on my career. I trained in healing modalities (completely oblivious to how much I needed the healing myself!) and it wasn’t until we worked deeper on the energy of the heart on my subtle energy healing course that I began to open up to the real possibility of dating again. Someone showed up who started to open up the walls around my heart.
But he just wasn’t in the right space to be dating. He kept cancelling on me and I never felt like a priority or that important. And then I stumbled on “The Art of Love Relationship Series” run by relationship expert Arielle Ford and others like John Grey (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) and Katherine Woodward Thomas (a psychotherapist who created the term “conscious uncoupling”). One of Katherine’s meditations took me to a place of such incredible love that I had to know more. I bought her book “Calling in the One” and religiously committed to doing the exercises every single day to call in my one.
My intuition told me I was going to meet an Indian guy. The exercises told me to get out there and do speed dating. To be honest, I’d been fascinated by the idea and always wanted to try it.
Everything was feeling so much better and so much more aligned. I was going to call in my real “one”. I was enjoying the adventure! I went speed dating, I met an Indian guy and…
…he left me after 6 weeks. I was devastated. On the one hand, I kind of knew the relationship was off. I had a near panic attack driving to meet him one day. I felt myself getting smaller and smaller and ready to give up my dreams to fit into his lifestyle and what he wanted. Of course, long-term – that was NEVER going to be sustainable, but those unconscious patterns of making myself small to help men succeed in their goals took over.
A few months later, out of nowhere, I was consumed by this deep, cold, chilling fear. The thought of my Indian guy being happy with someone else triggered it. To my conscious mind, that was nonsense. I knew if he wasn’t happy on his own, he wouldn’t be happy with anyone. Plus if he wasn’t right for me, it was none of my business what he did with his life. But it wasn’t my conscious mind in control. Something was up in my subconscious mind that needed help.
None of my healing tools were working. I just couldn’t shift that freezing cold fear on my own. I figured it must be past life stuff and I got in touch right away with a hypnotherapist that I knew who did past life regression.
A course of hypnotherapy was what I needed to finally start doing the deep healing I so desperately needed – instead of just training in modalities and avoiding my own “stuff”.
At the same time, I was studying everything I could lay my hands on about better online dating and safe flirting. Then an amazing workshop on flirting was the last piece of the puzzle I needed to open up the space for Tony to finally appear in my life.
We have our ups and downs like every couple but with each down we talk, we connect deeper and we get stronger together. <3
If utterly hopeless in relationships me can find love, so can you!